“Mind your own business.”

I heard that a lot as a child. Whenever I showed any interest in the dinner conversation my parents were having, more often than not, I would be told to mind my own business and stop being such a busybody. I’m sure I’m not the only one. For me, being told this numerous times had a profound effect; I got the idea that asking questions about the world only got quick sharp reprimands which made me want to cry. By and by, I learnt not to ask questions about conversations which were deemed ‘adult’. I told myself that it wasn’t my business and that I shouldn’t be interested in the first place, and eventually I became convinced that it was true. That was the beginning of my detachment from my parents, especially my father.

With You, I’ll Be Only Sibylla (Part 3)

Disclaimer: This is based on Sir Ridley Scott’s brilliant film, Kingdom of Heaven. I’m just borrowing the characters and the main plot, and I get no profit, only enjoyment

Chapter 3: A Few Yards of Silk

Sibylla opened the door to the inner chamber just a little bit so that she could see her son. The boy had his back to the door. He sat amongst cushions, talking to himself as he moved his pewter soldiers around and fought imaginary battles. Arabic words were scattered through his speech. Love filled her. It hadn’t seemed so long since he’d been a tiny helpless baby in her arms. She stepped in as quietly as possible, so as to not disturb him, but her long silken dress got caught on one of his toys. Little Baldwin looked up when he heard his mother come in. He grinned and ran into her open arms. “Maman!” he said. “I thought you were dining with the lords.”

A Question of Faith

Yesterday, at church, the priest talked about the children going up for blessings after communion and how their faith is firm, without doubt; how they knew how to trust in God.

But is it really true that children don’t doubt, or do they simply never mention it? I remember doubting God when I was four years old. I hated church. Church was boring. You had to sit still and stay quiet. There was nothing to watch. The readings were incomprehensible, as were the sermons and the prayers. You did nothing. Your parents didn’t pay you any attention. Why would God, if he was so wonderful, make you go through this ordeal? As a child, I figured that it was all God’s fault, and there were so many rules. I didn’t like the rule which said you had to listen to and obey your parents. I thought that was stupid because I felt that there were times when my parents were very wrong. I wasn’t smart? Of course I was smart. And everybody said I had my head up in the clouds. No, my mind was just usually thinking about something else other than learning the read and write.

I lost my faith, and didn’t really regain it until I was fifteen. By then, I’d lost faith in the whole concept of organized and institutionalized religion.